Something Changed in Me.....

I was born a theist. As with most Indian families, I too was taught to worship God from the time I can remember. Around the age of 14, I had a fight with God, to put it simply. 

I became a passive theist. I would do and follow what my family asked me to, but my heart was somewhere else. While I did not believe in God, my family did and I believed my family. I would go to temples and marvel at the beauty of the idol. Not for a moment believing that this piece of stone can give me real happiness. I would spend time keenly observing the varied decorations and features of the idol. Yet as soon as I would step away from the sanctum, I would not remember anything from the last few minutes. This is a peculiar mystery that I have no clue about. 

Going to a temple has never been my first instinct. Though, when I knew I was going to get my car, I decided to take it to a nearby temple for Pooja. Today, was a big day for me. While the car was an achievement, an even bigger one was my mental peace. 

My heart was fluttering with a feeling that I don't know. It was not anxiety nor was it complete peace. As I was bowing down my head in front of every deity, I was genuinely thanking them for looking over me all these years. Even when I was upset with them or did not believe in them per se. Something changed in me as I stood there looking at the Balaji idol. After the Pooja, I sat down for a few minutes and my eyes were teary. I felt a burden lift off my heart. I don't know whether it was because I was in the temple or the fact that I was done with my transition.

Maybe God has his way of testing us and questioning his presence is a test in itself. How I perform in this test is yet to be seen.

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